for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Randomize
