we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
