apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I'm still working on figuring out my birthday blowjob schedule. I'd love to just have all three of them get in there but I get the feeling they wouldn't like that.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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