It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
