all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
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