I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
