last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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