Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
