Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I got "plug" during family Catch Phrase and struggled to not make a reference to butt plug so I skipped it
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
