I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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