Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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