seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
