thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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