i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
