Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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