My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
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