there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
