Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You know I found it really difficult to find a full lenght picture for the egg donor site where I wasn't holding any alcohol...
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
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