Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Randomize
