Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
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