Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My vagina is officially offended.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Randomize
