she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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