oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
