So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Randomize
