I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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