You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
