scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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