my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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