Where are you?
In a non slutty way
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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