So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
