I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
Someone signed my nipple.
Randomize
