Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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