So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
