What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
