I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
