At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Her exstacy made her nickname everyone David. Nobody knows who the fuck she's talking to so we just say no to everything she says. She's crying.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
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