Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
