i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Randomize
