The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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