He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Would you like season tickets to my vagina?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
Randomize
