i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
