I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
5 am booty call not ok. The fact I actually went over definitely not ok. My vag needs to learn some control.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
