I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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