My nipple is on Facebook.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
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