Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
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