I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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