I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
told my boyfriend i was a virgin so he wouldnt feel bad since he is. now hes asking why his dick is so itchy. should i tell him why?
i don't see why you should, it's not like you told the other guys with the itchy dicks.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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