i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Randomize
