youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
