My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
