Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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